Dining With Plastic Forks

Legend says that in times of yore, King Arthur called his knights in to the Round Table after waking from a dream. Once the knights had assembled, he spoke to them of his vision, of a Quest, a holy charge from God almighty himself. He had been presented an object, a vision of a thing so pure it hurt to behold, and it was this item he commanded his knights to seek out and find. It was this Quest that would make them great, he said. It was this Quest that would make them legend.

And as the knights filed out of the chamber, lost in thought, wondering how to enact this charge, Sir Galahad leaned over to Sir Lancelot and asked, “What the hell is a Jucy Lucy?”

Kale G: Friends, the knights were too soon, and though they may have failed in their Quest, it falls to us to take up the banner and charge forth. We have already visited one of the claimed homes of the Jucy Lucy, so it behooves us to visit the other. You see, we have taken up the Quest. We are going to find the Perfect Jucy Lucy™.

Phil B: So, I guess that makes us the modern equivalent of Lancelot and Galahad. Or is it Don Quixote and Sancho Paza? Stay tuned to see if our Quest leads us to the Holy Grail or if we are just chasing windmills…

KG: Apologies for missing last week – I was off in training. Hopefully, it’s been worth the wait! This week take us to Matt’s Bar, a nice little place with a fantastic atmosphere of grill grease. Please understand - this is not a bad thing.

This little place has maybe a dozen tables and a bar, and if you sit at the bar you’re looking in on the kitchen as well, because the grill and all the prep is done right there by a redheaded Rastafarian and the rest of the staff.

Speaking of the staff, they deserve a mention – because they are funny as hell. Grab a stool and listen to the banter, and you’ll be chuckling in no time.

PB: I highly recommend sitting at the bar. The aromas drifting over from the grill can have a Pavlovian effect. Also, you can quaff some ale whilst pondering various existential questions, such as: Is there hidden meaning behind the cook’s coppery dreadlocks? Why does he say everything is the bartender’s fault? Why do they spell it ‘Jucy’?

KG: But we digress.

We settled in and quickly ordered our Jucy Lucys, along with a basket of fries. There’s a bit of a wait – even though our Rastafarian uses every available inch of the grill he’s still only got about 20 burgers going at once. Which is kind of frightening if you think about it – the life of a short order cook must have some stress in it during peak times.

PB: From where we were sitting, it was a pretty good show. The cook constantly ran back and forth to the fridge or the deep-fryer as he charred dozens of meat pattys, buns, and piles of chopped onions on the grill. We couldn’t decide what it resembled more: a frantic juggling act, or a runaway assembly line. Maybe Rastafarianism is the path to Serenity in an environment like this.

KG: Phil and I made the small talk while we waited, and soon our patience was rewarded with a pair of Lucys and our side. The fries are a pretty standard shoestring, but they’re nicely seasoned and best eaten hot (no surprise). But of course, our Quest had us here for other reasons.

PB: (drum roll) And the reason is:

KG: Matt’s bar is said to be one of the homes of the Jucy Lucy, and they’ve even got a story as to its origin, to make it more authentic. Maybe. Really, it’s a debate I’m staying out of. No, the debate I’m interested in is who has the better burger.

The Jucy Lucy at Matt’s has a great char on it – the burger is well done, and the meat is nicely flavorful. This is partially achieved by a liberal dose of salt and pepper at the start of the grill – simply put the char is… Phil?

PB: AWESOME!!

KG: Indeed it is. However, this char has a downside. The side effect of this is that all the fat has rendered out into the molten cheese at the core – it’s alright, but it’s kind of a grey napalm they’re hiding in there, and the extra fat dilutes the flavor of the cheese. Matt’s motto is ‘Fear the Cheese’ and nowhere I’ve had a Jucy Lucy is it more true – that stuff slides around like mercury on a hot sidewalk, and when it runs across your fingers you will feel it.

PB: Also, it tends to be very messy meal, regardless of how long you allow the molten core to ‘rest’ before you take the first bite. Use lots of napkins here, folks!

KG: There’s the usual option of fried or raw onions, and they have a nice fried and diced onion that give a good flavor, even if it’s a little mushy at this point. I think they may just have them on the grill and add as needed, which is fine, but it means the onions have lost any on their original crispness, their bite, which can be retained if they’re fried fresh.

PB: Mmmm, carmelized fried onions. I’m not seeing the down side here.

KG: Still, it’s not a bad burger. When it comes to whether here or the 5-8 is better… well, they’re really about on par. If you want nice char and good meat flavor, I’d say Matt’s. If the cheese is your thing, then for selection and flavor I’d say 5-8.

PB: Here’s my take on Matt’s fare: Ordinary bun. Hamburger patty has great char and seasoning, medium-well done in the middle. Cheesy/juicy/greasy core, but very tasty. Huge baskets of fries, but you gotta eat ‘em before they cool off.

As for the 5-8 Club: Great bun. Hamburger patty has ordinary char and seasoning, cooked medium (slightly pink) toward the center. Four choices of cheese (american, bleu, swiss, or pepper), perfectly melted. Fries/jojos are really good here.

Which would I recommend? Depends on the mood you’re in. The 5-8 would be a great place to take your family (or a date), but the trade-off for the perfectly melted cheese may be a slightly underdone meat patty. You can always send it back to get more fire, but the outcome may be the grey napalm. For me, greasy food goes really well with beer, and the drinking atmosphere at Matt’s wins hands down over the 5-8 club. So, if you’re in the mood to have some brews in a great neighborhood bar, go to Matt’s and get your Lucy there. Matt’s gets 3 tines for the burger, 2 tines for the fries, and 4 tines for the entertainment.

KG: Cheese is my deal. I love the charred, meaty flavor of the burger, but the muddled cheese is a deal breaker for me. I’m calling this at three tines – but here’s the thing.

Just because they’re the originals, does it mean they’re the best? The Jucy Lucy is a changing, grasping thing that is constantly evolving – could it be that the best is elsewhere? I think Arthur’s knights failed because they stopped with scratching the surface. They are a few dozen places that do their own take on the Jucy Lucy, and until we’ve made the rounds, how can we truly say who’s best?

The Quest continues…